Then High school Diana went to college and became College Diana. College Diana is afraid of rejection. College Diana often spends days at a time feeling melancholy. College Diana is drained of ambition and has no idea what she wants. She's afraid of other peoples opinions of her. She doesn't light up a room anymore. She doesn't cold call companies, she has no idea what fields interest her. She put her creativity on hold. College Diana constantly feels like she is taking up space and tries not to shrink herself down in size, even if she really really wants to.
For the longest time I felt like there was something wrong with me. I went to college and I shrunk as a person. It's not that I was a small fish in a big pond. My High School was larger than the University I am currently attending. It took me a while to realize I was the exact opposite. I was a big fish in a small pond. I wasn't loosing myself. I was forced to come to terms with myself, because there was no where else to hide. I kept running into myself, no matter how much I ran away.
High School Diana was naive. She wasn't brave. She wasn't fearless. She wasn't stress free. She was beyond scared. That's why she worked so hard. High School Diana wasn't accomplished. She was just around people who did nothing, do nothing and years later, still are nothing. It's easy to feel like a success, when you're walking and everyone else is crawling. Most of the friends I had in High School, did not go on to college. If they did, they did not finish. I'm not saying this to belittle them. Because they were all great and taught me more about myself than anyone else ever did. They taught me how to love, how to smile, how to care for people, and they taught me how to stand out. But alas leaving High School shows us, sometimes we were only friends with people because we saw them 5 times a week. Most importantly, these people showed me I didn't want to be like them.
When High School ended, I wanted it to end. I just didn't think by it ended, I would feel so lost.
High School Diana was just as sad as College Diana. College Diana just understands her sadness and confronts it. She can face her feelings. She can admit when she cares about someone. College Diana is brave enough to let people in and give them the ability to hurt her. High School Diana was shamelessly creative. She was a horrible artist, but she was filled with constant reassurance, because she had a way of making people believe in her. Even if she did nothing.
College Diana may have put her creativity on hold, because she no longer takes pictures or makes movies. But she knows creativity is not a job, it's a way of life. She never stopped being creative, she just did it differently.
High School Diana won awards, graduated with honors, and took AP and honors everything she could. But, High School Diana was not smart. She was in the right place at the right time. She did the things she enjoyed, because her High School had a class in everything from psychology to Math of Games. She excelled, because she was enjoying herself. College Diana is a part of three honor societies before her junior year, she is top 25% of her class, and is working her way through college. College Diana is a much harder worker than High School Diana ever was.
High School Diana had no idea what she wanted to be. She just knew what everyone wanted her to be. College Diana, has no idea what she wants to be, but she knows what she doesn't want. She isn't tied to what other people expect of her. Because in some ways she feels like she has already failed them. And for some reason she is perfectly okay with that.
High School Diana and College Diana still share the same interests. Just College Diana tragically lacks the time to spend all weekend watching sociology documentaries and reading scientific journals. But given a paper where she can pick a topic, College Diana lights up and will get consumed by the topic matter. Up until the due date and long after, she will eat, live and breath (insert topic here). Because she is just as passionate as she ever was.
High School Diana taught College Diana how to be visual. She taught her how to be mentally strong and that nothing bad will happen if she fails. She'll just fail, walk it off and try again. She taught her how to teach herself skills. She taught her that a classroom isn't the only place to learn.
High School Diana never actually smiled, College Diana does...all the time. High School Diana rarely ever wrote. College Diana still doesn't. (Ooops...?)
High School Diana lacked confidence, but pretended. Because fake it til you make it. College Diana, even in her melancholy state, is completely herself and loves every second.
College Diana didn't lose herself, because she never knew herself. College didn't make her lose her ambition or drive. It simply never really existed. It was all for show. One she could have won an Oscar for.
College Diana is just High School Diana who grew the hell up.