Letters to the guys in my life

Tuesday, February 07, 2017


Dear #1. 

You let me dream. You taught me that if I was willing to work my ass off, there was no barrier to how far I could go. I think it would have been a lot easier for you if I grew up and said I wanted to be the first women President. Instead you got, toothfairy, dentist, graphic designer, web designer, princess, author, artist, and historian all before I was 12. I was so convinced I could have been everything at once.

You raised a natural born girlboss and you didn't even realize it until I went to college. When you asked me what I wanted to do and I said:
 "Out of school I'm going to work for Artprize. Then I might be an Art Director. And maybe I'll have a small cafe/bookshop downtown that focuses on local talent. And I want a non-profit that brings affordable healthcare to low income areas of the country. And I want to start an advertising firm" ...and the list goes on.
(Guys that's just my 10 year plan...)

I'm still as naive as the 5 year who hung up Polaroids around the house. And I made you call up all your friends to go to a "gallery show" for an emerging artist. 

You were always my biggest supporter. When I said I wanted to be an artist, you said good. Just get an education first. You bought me my first camera. Best surprise I could have ever asked for. 

Most importantly, you taught me that I was too much to be beautiful. No daughter of yours was ever going to be condensed to one word.  When I was a kid and everyone in our family was calling me mala barbika (little Barbie). You shut them up and focused on what book I was currently reading. Or we talked about how I was doing in school. You never allowed me to limit myself to my beauty.

Dear #2.

You were my first crush. You had me wrapped around your finger for years. But, you grew up to be a jerk. And I grew up to be "the hottie that rejected you." It felt good.

Dear #3.

I need to buy your mother a gift on your birthday for giving birth to you. I'm beyond glad you exist. You are my rock. You're the guy who's constantly supporting me, even if the world shuts me down. You're the guy I always end up running back to.

I couldn't tell you what happened in Middle School and High School is such a blur. I just know that you were there with me every step of the way. During some of the hardest times of my life, you were there. I came out of that period easily irritable, depressed, and lacking motivation and self esteem. But I had you. Somehow, that made it all worth it.

You were my cheerleader. You're constantly supporting my dreams. No matter how stupid they are. You're up for anything, as long as it gets me to smile. God I love you. My dear platonic soulmate, you have possibly ruined every other guy for me. I hope you're proud. You're going to have a lot of god-cats and dogs you need to help care for as a result.

Dear #4.

When I'm sad, you tell me stories. Usually about Greek Mythology. You know for some reason Narcissist is my favorite. You send me photos of cats and stupid memes when I'm studying for tests. You quote Doctor Who when I need motivation. You let me be complex and opinionated. We talk about healthcare reforms, politics and what if scenarios. To you, my beauty is icing on the cake. Thank you for letting me exist in more than my shell. Thank you for being there when I'm sad and not much of a friend.

Dear #5.

I hate that I don't have romantic feelings for you. You're perfect. You're attractive, funny, smart and I wish the absolute best for you. I don't know anyone more deserving of success than you. You are one of the hardest workers I know. You bring me coffee at work when you live an hour away. You're amazing.

You let me break down completely. You know more about my romantic screw ups than anyone else in the world. You give me the harsh reality of the world. I'm so obsessed with my own ideas of success and how much I'm going to build. You remind me that I don't live 10 years in the future. Thank you for being the sunshine in my life. Because I'm naturally a storm.

Dear #6.

You made me believe that I was meant to be loved. Then you walked out of my life. You set the standard for every guy after you. 

You taught me I was not complex. I was not opinionated. I was beautiful. I was a trophy that goes up on a shelf. I was a prize to be won. I was not a girl. To you, I was an item. I do not regret you ever walking out of my life.

Dear #7.

You think I'm beautiful. And that's it. To you, nothing I say or do matters. Because my profile picture looks cute. You try and sway me with things. I'm not materialistic. You're constantly telling me how beautiful my European genetics are. And how they combined beautiful to create me. And I'm something to be seen in museums.

Thank you for seeing me as beautiful. But I'm a work of art for a entirely different reason. I'm sorry, but I cannot be who you need me to be. I'm sorry.

Dear #8.

You make lame jokes with me. We spend our time thinking of Account Titles for outrageous books and we're in constant meme battles. You let me be intellectual. You encourage me to grow as a person. The last few months have been hard on me, and you've seen me through them.

You've told me what I suck at, honestly. And you built me up when I wanted to quit and walk away from all my responsibilities. 

Thank you for not restricting me to one personality trait. And thank you for encouraging me to be a positive person. When god knows it's not natural for me. Not even in the slightest.

Dear #9.

It's worth mentioning, our timing sucks. I don't know when our timing will be good or if it will ever be good. But dammit, our timing sucks. We want different things. I push people away. I have a problem with not trusting people...ever.

You're ahead of your years. And you know it. It's going to be so weird to see what you're like when you're 40. We joke you'll be a silver fox. But to be completely honest you totally will. 

We're both these weird business minded individuals who write blogs and take pride in how we dress. And we're both kinda, major, sorta-recovering-but not really workaholics. We have these ideas of where we want to be. We're going to get there for sure. 

I'm different around you, than I am anyone else. Even writing this, my tone changes when I talk about you versus when I talk about any other guy. Very few people have that effect on me. When I'm around you, I don't need to pretend to be this grand-all-anything. I'm screwed up and I'm damaged.

You think you can fix me. We both know you can't. But I love you for trying. I love you for encouraging me to do everything at once. Most guys get freaked out by how much I am. You join in and encourage me to be more than I thought I would ever be.

You think I'm beautiful on days when I don't want to exist. And you know how to shut down anyone who makes me feel like shit. But you still remain this perfect gentlemen. 

I'm not sure what to thank you for. But thank you. You deserve the world. I wish I knew how to give it to you. But I know you're going to go out and get it.

Dear #10.

It's worth mentioning, #3, #4, #5, #8 and #9, hate you. I know I should too. I don't though.

You think you're complex. You're not. You're as simple as the keys on a piano. You would view that as a bad thing. But pianos still release beauty into the world. Just like you can. You have so much potential. If anyone could end my reign, it's you. Congratulations by the way. 

You're the ultimate match to my wit. And I'm a first generation Eastern European American. It's in my blood to be witty

It was so easy to see you as this greatness. Because you are. I don't think you ever really comprehended how easily you could have success. You're charismatic, smart, hardworking and attractive. You have the potential to kill the game. But, you're also a pool of lost potential. 

While everyone else was seeing me as beautiful. I don't think you ever really saw me. You saw this fragment of what you wanted to see me as. You never took the time to actually see me though. 

I have this bad trait where I build up other peoples amazing traits into something very few people see. And I'm blind to warning signs and traits I should stay away from. You were no exception to this. 

I saw you. You didn't see me. I don't really know where else to go from there.

All I know I should omit you from my life all together. But I keep rooting for your success. This isn't our timing sucked. And it isn't it would never work out. I can get over those easily. But you have more potential to become someone than any other guy on this list. And one of these guys turned down Harvard. Go out into the world and kick ass. Don't blow your chance at something because your 20's.

Dear #11.

You were my first ever best friend. You were the one who got me into art. Like really got me into art. You taught me it wasn't just pretty things. Art was this thing inside you that didn't die.

You grew up to be an animator. We haven't talked in years. But you introduced me to the thing that shaped my whole world.

We both loved Dragons growing up. You were my first ever book club. I once beat up a kid twice my size for making fun of you. We grew apart fast. Still went to the same schools. Had the same friends. We just weren't us anymore. But that was fine. Because we never needed each other. Except for that one moment when we were both outcast kids.

I wish you the absolute best. You did it. You followed your dreams. Dammit you're one of the coolest people I know, just for that. I'm proud of you. I will never stop being proud of you.

Although, when you become famous, I'm selling the drawings of dragons 7 year old you drew for me. I need to pay my way through school somehow.

And thank you for being yourself. You encouraged me to figure myself out very young. 

Dear #12.

You made the list. Sorry you don't get anything from it. But hey, you made it.

Dear #13.

Thank you for being one of the good ones. You're smarter than people say you are. You're funny and you're kind. I hope the world for you. You deserve it. Thank you for being there when I need someone to talk. Thank you for making my day go faster and caring so much for everyone around you.

*Updated on 2/17/17

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